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Friday, January 30, 2009
Dear Employees :)
Dear employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of
economy! , Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers
of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be
known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons
who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management
deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much
SH|T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has
always prided itself on the amount of SH|T it gives to employees. Should
you feel that you do not receive enough SH|T, please bring to the
attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all
the SH|T you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of
economy! , Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers
of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be
known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons
who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management
deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much
SH|T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has
always prided itself on the amount of SH|T it gives to employees. Should
you feel that you do not receive enough SH|T, please bring to the
attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all
the SH|T you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
God of no mercy
An European tourist was visiting a temple in Singapore when he noticed two
statues, a man and a woman by the altar.
He asked the monk what was the significance of the two.
The monk explained that in the Chinese system of yin and yang, positives
must always be balanced by negatives, and having the two statues ensures
that the universal balance was maintained.
"This statue of the woman is the Goddess of Mercy, Kuan-Yin."
"What about the other one?" asked the tourist.
"This one is the God of No Mercy, Kuan-Yew."
statues, a man and a woman by the altar.
He asked the monk what was the significance of the two.
The monk explained that in the Chinese system of yin and yang, positives
must always be balanced by negatives, and having the two statues ensures
that the universal balance was maintained.
"This statue of the woman is the Goddess of Mercy, Kuan-Yin."
"What about the other one?" asked the tourist.
"This one is the God of No Mercy, Kuan-Yew."
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Revenge is sweet
The confidence she exuded as she walked in turned the heads of a couple more men.
She was beautiful. Long, silky black hair that complemented her almond-shaped eyes flowed down her slender back; she was clad in an LBD and a pair of Nine West. She seemed slightly familiar but he could not quite put a name to her face. He had to take action.
He ran his fingers through his hair, silently cursing himself for not styling it that morning.
“Buona Vista”
Ms LBD stepped out of the train. He followed suit and stopped her like a Citibank salesman would a passer-by.
“Hi, I couldn’t help noticing you in the train. I don’t mean to be rude, but you seem to resemble someone I know. Have we met somewhere? I’m Dan.”
The lady stared at him for awhile before she opened her mouth. “I remember you now. Aren’t you the guy who openly read Elizabeth’s love letter to you in the school canteen? The sec 4 & 5 guys were laughing when you said you’d never date a pig like her.”
It took Dan 5 seconds to recall that episode that happened in his secondary school 8 years back. He gave a sheepish smile. “Yeah, that was me. I had to get that girl off my back then; she had really awful teeth and scared me off. So, we have met after all. What’s your name?”
“Elizabeth.”
She was beautiful. Long, silky black hair that complemented her almond-shaped eyes flowed down her slender back; she was clad in an LBD and a pair of Nine West. She seemed slightly familiar but he could not quite put a name to her face. He had to take action.
He ran his fingers through his hair, silently cursing himself for not styling it that morning.
“Buona Vista”
Ms LBD stepped out of the train. He followed suit and stopped her like a Citibank salesman would a passer-by.
“Hi, I couldn’t help noticing you in the train. I don’t mean to be rude, but you seem to resemble someone I know. Have we met somewhere? I’m Dan.”
The lady stared at him for awhile before she opened her mouth. “I remember you now. Aren’t you the guy who openly read Elizabeth’s love letter to you in the school canteen? The sec 4 & 5 guys were laughing when you said you’d never date a pig like her.”
It took Dan 5 seconds to recall that episode that happened in his secondary school 8 years back. He gave a sheepish smile. “Yeah, that was me. I had to get that girl off my back then; she had really awful teeth and scared me off. So, we have met after all. What’s your name?”
“Elizabeth.”
Monday, January 12, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Time, a New Year's day introspective
And so one year pasts and another year comes...it's time for a bit of introspecting, i guess.
Time
Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day.
Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course?
Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose.
It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against "tomorrow."
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!
The clock is running!! Make the most of today.
To realise the value of one year, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realise the value of one month, ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realise the value of one week, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realise the value of one hour, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realise the value of one minute, ask a person who just missed a train.
To realise the value of one second, ask someone who just avoided an accident.
To realise the value of one millisecond, ask the person who won a silver medal at the olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with. And remember time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why its called the present.
How about you? Are you living your life?
Time
Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day.
Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course?
Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose.
It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against "tomorrow."
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!
The clock is running!! Make the most of today.
To realise the value of one year, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realise the value of one month, ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realise the value of one week, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realise the value of one hour, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realise the value of one minute, ask a person who just missed a train.
To realise the value of one second, ask someone who just avoided an accident.
To realise the value of one millisecond, ask the person who won a silver medal at the olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with. And remember time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why its called the present.
How about you? Are you living your life?
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