What Is A Selfish Lover?

*Warning: This post is raunchy by nature but does not contain obscenities and is by no means meant to be an absolute truth for everyone. All examples have been intentionally exaggerated but do contain within them themes of striving for sexual equality. Read at your own discretion. Do not read if the word 'sex' is seen as a bad word to you.

This is for the women.


LOVE THYSELF
WORDS BY LEVAN WEE
Selfish lovers are the worst kind of lovers. How many times have you slept with a man who only thinks about his own instant gratification? Here are ten telltale signs that your mate is nothing but dead weight in your bed.


1. THE ONLY THING THAT STARTS WITH O IS ‘OH, THAT’S ALL?’

Ladies, if you don’t know what The Big O is then chances are you’ve never experienced one at the hands of a man. Orgasms are the almighty climax to your sexual indulgences and any man who has never given you one should immediately be kicked out the house with his tail between his legs. If he’s more concerned with his own orgasm rather than spending time feeding your lovely beaver with the tender loving care it deserves, never ever sleep with him again.


2. IT AIN’T ABOUT THE SIZE, IT’S ABOUT THE MOTION IN THE OCEAN

Men like to boast about the size of their members as often as they like to lie and exaggerate. Truth be told, if he says he’s measures in at a gigantic nine inches, he’s slapping on an imaginary five just to impress you. But size is only relative to how well a man knows his in and outs and a lover who sucks at his thrust isn’t worth the lust.


3. CLEANLINESS IS GODLINESSS

If you’ve had the misfortune of sharing a bed with a man who doesn’t like taking a shower, you’re not just bedding him, you’re sleeping with ten million germs as well. Only a selfish man would expect his woman to contend with the stench of a long day’s work or worse, fishy smelling genitals (eew!) He’s only a sex god if he has good hygiene so ladies, please make sure your man cleans himself before you get dirty with him.


4. LUST THAT LASTS

You can fry an egg or take a dump in three minutes but you should never, ever make love for that short a time. If for some unfortunate reason your man can’t seem to keep his little soldiers from firing too early, get him to wear fifteen condoms or flick his happy puppy with your pinkie to calm him down before restarting his engines.


5. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO YOU

Is your man always insistent on doing naughty things you just don’t find kinky yet refuses to return the favour? What the hell is so fun about candle wax and whip cream anyway? You’re a woman, not a birthday cake! Demand respect for yourself by levelling the playing field. Good sex is all about giving and receiving and if he isn’t up to giving your exploration of kinkiness an equal try, tell him to ask his mother to suck his toes instead.


6. TEACHING AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS

The Kama Sutra is the best book ever written so ‘strongly encourage’ (i.e. force) your full-of-himself lover to read it if he thinks that sticking to the same old moves will get him places. Sex is like playing chess – repeat yourself too often and the game gets old and predictable. Mix things up a bit and always keep the sex sizzling with an adventurous variety of positions.


7. CHITTER-CHATTER AFTER THE SPLATTER

Sometimes girls just want to have fun and a good one-night-stand lover knows well enough to pack up and leave after the sex is done. A selfish lover, also known in this case as a man who can’t shut up, will start talking about his job, his life and other things you don’t give a damn about. When this happens, politely tell him that the only gap that should be opened is the one between your legs.


8. THE NOTION OF EMOTION

If you’re not one to freely jiggle your bits for any Tom, Harry and especially for Dick, then a secure and emotionally tight relationship is the best route for you. In relationships like these, a selfish lover would be one who basically doesn’t give a hoot who you are, how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. He’s a bloke who wants to bang all day long and talk about nothing else but how awesome the sex was – which it really wasn’t. Avoid these unfeeling lovers at all costs!


9. VANITY FAIRNESS

Has your lover packed on the pounds simply because you “accept him for who he is, not how he looks”? He won’t shave that stupid moustache you hate because he thinks it makes him look manlier? Pfft, sorry but since when was unconditional love an excuse to become a self-absorbed moron? You aren’t being shallow in demanding that your lover tries his best to appeal to your physical tastes. If he doesn’t get the point, leave your leg hair unshaved and see how much he digs it.


10. TIME FOR A NICK

So you’re itching for some loving but your man’s always too preoccupied with doing his own things like surfing porn on the Internet (he says he’s doing research)? Relationships are made up of three equal portions; him-time, me-time and we-time. Unless he enjoys spending time with Hands Solo, he’d better start giving you some before you become a nun.